yeah yeah yeah. so i claim to not be into this holiday and while i abhor the commercialism, i do love...well, love! so hug a loved one and relish in the warmth. <3

i'm excited about this new job. it seems fun and i get to be around something i feel passionate about...the theatre. great pay, too. win-win.

i should be sleeping. someone sing me to sleep.

listening to the 'grace' album started the the tears. i'm mourning. leave me alone.

i have so much to say and write but when i sit down to do so... i can't. it all boils down to this...


i wanna go home.

the King was born.





say what you will about him, but i love elvis. my grandma raised me with an appreciation for his music and hell, i even love his movies. as i sat here, looking through pictures and watching videos, it makes me remember days spent as a little kid with my grandparents. i miss those days.

anyway... happy birthday, elvis aaron presley.

We leave in 9 days. NINE. Despite the fact that I haven't packed shit, I am so excited. And nervous. And scared. But mostly excited.

We had to take little miss Karuna to the emergency room last night for a high fever and labored breathing. Turns out she has croup and possibly pneumonia. After a hellish overnight stay, we're home. She's asleep, I'm tired and in dire need of a shower. We cancelled our anniversary celebration for this weekend. She's going to need lots of rest (and steroids...she's on an oral steroid and two for her nebulizer...fun). I'm just thankful my baby is alright. Keep her in your thoughts. Hell, keep me in your thoughts too. I have to somehow explain to a toddler that she can't run around for a week.

I feel...empty. I shouldn't have let myself fall into so much hope. My heart is broken.

I can't wait until we can pack up and move to California. Only two more months...

http://abbott.com/global/url/pressRelease/en_US/60.5:5/Press_Release_0471.htm

Nice job. Let's not only fuck up baby formula, but let's make sure it's preemie formula. Because parents of preemies totally don't have enough to worry about. Let's add anemia to the list! /sigh

We took the kids to the drive-in last night and saw the new Harry Potter film. Maybe it was the fact that I'm blind at night, trains kept running by, Karuna was scared, and our windshield was dirty but...I was a bit disappointed. I'm going to see it again this weekend in a regular theater. I'm also pre-ordering the new book. Yes, I'm a Harry Potter dork.

Keshava-priya has her first doctor appointment today. I'm curious as to what he'll say. She's also getting ALL of her immunizations because her mother never followed up from birth and can't find her shot record. To ease the pain, I'm taking the girls to the park afterwards. We're going to meet Janaki and baby Gita there as well. Thursday is usually our women's program but Kunjari has some luncheon and my house is filthy so...we're taking it to the park! A nice chance to get some japa in while enjoying a day that isn't a billion degrees and muggy.

I think we've decided to sell the van and fly to Los Angeles when we move in September. Thank GOD. I was really dreading the drive. Now, all we have to bring is our clothes, Deities, and ship the computers. According to Airtran.com, it's $170 each person. BUT WAIT! Southwest pulls through once again! Only $92.09 per person with them! AND I get my travel points. Score. Way cheaper than driving. Yeehaw. I just can't wait to get the hell out of here.

But for now, it's time to get this screaming baby into the bath so she can scream some more at the doctor's! Shoop de woop.

I just finished watching the entire season of Heroes. Wow. It truly lived up to the accolades it has received. I'm impressed.

It's also hot as Satan's crotch here. Hot and muggy. I'm going to make Tino cut my hair tonight because the thought of it against my neck makes me want to scream. Even if it turns out shitty, I'm not too concerned. I mean, really. Who do I have to impress anymore? I used to spend soooo much money on having my hair cut, dyed, highlighted, the works. It'd look awesome that day but as soon as I washed it...back to a ponytail it went. Now, I think I'd look plain ol' silly with super awesome and stylish hair...accompanied by baby vomit on my ratty old band shirt and gopi skirt, a three year old tugging on my hand, my glasses slipping down my nose, and my fat hanging around the waistband. Yeah, not exactly worth paying money for.

No worries, though. I'm content. I'm also sticky, so I think it's time for another shower.

http://www.newsnet5.com/crimestoppers/13623603/detail.html

The sad part is...I went to high school and graduated with Jake. There were 150 people in my graduating class, so we all knew each other. It was weird looking at the pictures of him with my friends. I mean, I know we can die at any minute and that age has nothing to do with it. But...eesh. It's just really sad. Please keep his family, as well as the families of the other victims, in your thoughts and prayers.

I wish I had some Vicodin. This tooth is effing KILLING me.

http://www.afterdowningstreet.org/?q=node/24218

Right.

On a more positive note, we're having our annual vegetarian BBQ today. Wee.

Tino wants to re-enlist in the military. The Navy, to be exact. As a medic. Which means he'd be shipped overseas. To Iraq. WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH HIM?

Yes yes, I know you like to help people. I know you'd like to preach to them, especially at the time of death. BUT YOU HAVE A FAMILY, FUCKNUTS. I AM NOT SENDING YOU OVERSEAS TO BE KILLED OR ENDORSE A CAUSELESS WAR. That is all.

A recent trip to the beach. Aren't they beautiful?


Karuna Sindhu, my silly goose.


Such a cheesy grin.


The newest addition to the clan: Keshava-priya.

We had a nice program with HH Candramauli Swami tonight. There were only 5 of us here but it was still great. Made a cake for Kunjari's birthday. Yum. Now the kids are asleep with Tino snoring next to them. Phew. I should be sleeping too, but I got caught up in looking for cloth diapers on eBay. When Karuna was a bebe, we exclusively cloth diapered her. I had well over $300 worth of stuff (not counting my wool). I was saving it all for our next baby. When Tino and I were apart, he gave my supply to a devotee who had a little girl. No big deal. I emailed her, asking her for them back since she has no intention of using it. Her reply? "My mother threw them out because she just thought they were used diapers. You and Tino weren't together so I didn't think it would matter."

...

WHAT THE FUCK?

Of course it matters. Gone are $300+ worth of diapers (all Fuzzi Bunz, prefolds, and Bummis covers). Gone are the cute diapers I had made especially for Karuna. Gone are the memories of cloth diapering my kiddo. The thing that pisses me off the most is how indifferent she is towards this. "Oh I didn't know they had cost that much." Ummm....YEAH? Ever research them? Now, we want to cloth-diaper Keshava-priya but can't afford the start-up again. That was why we were saving our diapers...so we wouldn't have to buy new ones for the next baby.

kfhjhdsfbgjhdbvudvub!

Deep breaths. This adoption better go through.

to my grandpa: i miss you. a lot. this is our first father's day without you. i ate some tootsie rolls in memory of you. i keep telling myself i'll miss you less with each passing day but that's a lie. you were my father, my best friend. happy father's day. love, your "bubba".

to tino: i love you. you're exactly the kind of father i knew you'd be. despite our disagreements, i love raising our daughter with you. karuna is an amazing little girl, and i credit a lot of that to her amazing father. being a mother is awesome. being married to a fabulous father is incredible. thank you. happy father's day. love, your wife.

to sam: you do some stuff i don't approve of, but you have always tried to help me whenever i've asked and you love my daughter as much as a "real" grandpa would. you're a great stepdad. i'm sorry your own kids don't know that. happy father's day. love, brandi.

to my Gurudeva: Krsna led me to you, and i am thankful. you've been a father to me for the past 6 years. your guidance, wisdom, and devotion to Krsna and Srila Prabhupada continue to inspire me to be a better person. i hope to continue serving you. your daughter, bhargavi devi dasi.

to my father: i don't know where you are, or why you left. i don't know what was worth losing two daughters over, but i hope you're happy. as much as i want to hate you, i still love you. you've missed out on a lot of my life, and you're missing out on a pretty awesome little girl too. maybe someday, you'll come back. maybe someday, i can forgive you. until then, take care of yourself. happy father's day. love, your not so little girl.

i really hate fighting with you...


...but sometimes, you can be the world's biggest asshole.

Officially a quarter-century old.